Jumbled up Thoughts,  Texas,  United States of America

Seeking Purpose: Reflections on Life, Death, and Finding Meaning

As I am writing this, It is 12:26 in the A of M, I am laying in my bed, trying to shuffle through my thoughts and I am just thinking about life and death. 

Me: But Bradon that is an awfully weird topic to think about as you should be going to sleep.” 

Also Me (Speaking To Myself): Yes, It is very much indeed an awfully weird topic to be thinking about as I am trying to force my brain to stop thinking and give me some rest, but I am up writing this to you wonderful people. 

Me: “So, what in particular am I thinking about life and death?” 

Also Me (AM = Also Me): Now I am just giving you a glimpse into my life and even my thoughts. So, I’m saying that I am by NO MEANS a professional, and I do NOT know everything. I will always do my best to help people, and If I can not help them I will find someone who can. 

Me: “Okay? So, Your Answer???”

AM: So, A little about me, I have seen so much death throughout my whole life, and it has made a huge impact on my life. In 2012 and 2013 I lost more Family than I can even count. A few people that I was really close with, My Cousin Doug, My Grandmother, Nanny, and one I wish I could have been close to, My Grandmother, Carmen. A little bit about them all first, Doug, he was something else. He was so crazy and loving. He cared for the people that most people don’t think matter, and he stood up for those who couldn’t stand up for themselves. He was a “Cowboy” who loved to fish, hunt a little, and drive around in his truck. He was and still is a huge influence on my life, and who I would love to be like. Now, My Nanny, She was something else. She was so far beyond beautiful, and I can definitely see where my sister got it from (My nanny and My mother of course). She was a loving soul, who couldn’t hear perfectly, but good lord above she could read lips better than anyone I know. Heck, she could probably tell you exactly what a dog was actually saying by just reading their lips. She was with my grandpa, his name is Roger Cline, A.K.A Pop, and those two loved to travel everywhere they could go. Whoever was sitting in the passenger seat would either play music and let the other one guess (They SURRRE did know their music), or they would sit and ask trivia questions to each other. The term “Know everything about everything?” Yea, I am pretty sure it came from those two, who knew literally everything. Now onto Carmen, I wish I had more I could say about that beautiful lady, but I don’t have that much that I can share with you, but I have one story that can explain her personality perfectly. So, my mother and biological father had me almost 20 years ago. My mother didn’t stay with him for reasons that I don’t want to talk about right now, but my grandma Carmen still loved my mom all the same. She would ALWAYS (I MEAN ALWAYS) come up to me and give me a big hug and say, “Oh Mijo, you’re getting so big!!” and she would always go up to my mom and give her two BIG kisses on each cheek. She would ask for a picture of me and then say goodbye and stuff. She was one of my favorite people to run into just because she was so loving even though we didn’t really know each other.

Me: “So, They Died? Just so much sadness and heartache. That is just a bunch of death, no life. Why tell this story??”

AM: That is the thing about death… without death, life would be kinda pointless because we would be living for eternity on this earth, without ceasing. In order to “live like there is no tomorrow” there has to be the possibility of no tomorrow. Now, despite saying all this, life is hard. If you don’t know that yet, then let this be your PSA. I feel like I have a pretty good life. I am very thankful for my life that is for sure, but I would not “Just Be Me” if I didn’t tell the truth. To Be Honest bud, Life is hard, gosh it is the ultimate roller coaster. Now, for those who know me they know that I don’t like roller coasters at all. Now, for those who don’t know me, I am NOT the person you want to take to a Six Flags, or anything like that because I DO NOT ride rides AT ALL. I have my ups and I have my downs. Like I aforementioned, life wouldn’t be worth living without death. On the same note, life wouldn’t be worth living without sadness because, without sadness, grief, or pain, we would not be able to know happiness, relief, or to feel sane.

I think this quote by C.S. Lewis sums it up perfectly, “Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.” (The Problem of Pain) 

Me: “So, how do you just “Be Okay” despite all the pain, heartache, and suffering.”

AM: I take comfort. I have peace because I remember how short and finite this life is. I remember to rejoice in the fact that I have God, Who is my Joy in everything. To quote from Habakkuk 3:17-19, “ Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in The Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights.” My strength is not my own. It is from my Sovereign Lord and Savior. Though life always seems unsure, and our path may be unsteady, I challenge you. I implore you to sit, think, and try to remember that life is but a breath, and pain is okay. It is okay to hurt. Just remember to look at how lucky you are that you have life. Remember where you are supposed to get your strength. Remember you have the opportunity to have strength outside of yourself. Even if you don’t have many family members, you have a God, Who loves you. He is your Savior. Don’t let the fear of death steal your calling to live. Don’t lose hope. May your faith and discernment grow more and more.

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